On Love

I did something really bad this week. Well, actually, since it was something that I forgot about two weeks ago, technically I did something really bad then and only realized it this week. Also bad.

I forgot Stupid Anniversary. It was March 10th and I completely forgot. But so did my husband. And considering we don’t mark the occasion in any special way I guess is not such a huge deal, but I felt terrible when the realization hit me yesterday.

I should explain some of this shouldn’t I?

My husband, Will, decided to join the Marine Corps Reserves so that he could get tuition assistance through the GI Bill. He also wanted to serve our country, as so many males in his family had done before him. When we graduated in 2001, Will was still serving in the Reserves.

Then Stop Loss was enacted, just before his commitment would end. At the beginning of 2003 Will got the word that his unit would be deploying to Iraq. This weighed heavily on us both. At the time we were only dating, but we both knew marriage was part of our long-term plan together. But… what would happen in our time apart? And what if something terrible happened while he was deployed?

About a month before deployment someone at Drill—a sergeant if I am remembering this right—suggested to everyone that if they had a serious girlfriend, now was the time to tie the knot. Will mentioned this to me… and we just sort of looked at one another wondering if we should do it. We weighed the pros and cons… and we decided to get married before he deployed.

It wasn’t fancy… in fact it was nearly comical… Will had reported for duty on March 9th, and the next day we went to the courthouse in downtown Marietta, GA and the judge married us. We were just wearing jeans… poor Will’s had been marked with a nice muddy paw print by our dear Cassie the Wonder Dog. Will’s buddy Marty insisted on being there as a witness, and we could hear him giggling at the back of the room. Then as soon as the papers were signed, Will went back to Base and that was it.

And Stupid Anniversary was born.

I will never forget the day Will left. Thinking about it now… seven years later… makes me cry. My heart truly ached that day… no words can really explain what that feels like. You just know when it happens that that feeling is heartache. That that is what love is—fear, pride, joy, anxiety, worry, faith and hope—mangled up into one gigantic and overwhelming emotion. All focused on someone other than yourself.

Feeling all of those emotions—either on their own or in any combination—and knowing that for the foreseeable future I’d be struggling to keep myself functioning in a “normal” way despite them is likely what made that week in my life a complete whirlwind. And I struggle every year to remember just when the hell Stupid Anniversary is.

You’d think I’d put it on a calendar or tattoo the date across my forehead to remember. But I never do. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because, as I said before, it’s not an occasion we formally celebrate; our wedding (read: real) anniversary is July 3rd and that’s when we go out to dinner and that sort of thing. Maybe I don’t mark it down because when I think about it, I can’t help but relive the moment when Will got on a bus at the Drill Center heading for the airport… and I had to say goodbye not knowing when exactly I’d see him next, and beating back the thought that it was entirely possible I might never get the chance again.

Here would be a good time to mention that the three paragraphs above explain why, to this day, I have severe anxiety about my husband going anywhere that I’m not going. It doesn’t help that Will is an Emergency Manager in real life… which means when a parking garage collapses he’s on scene coordinating different resources. Or when there’s severe weather, he’s the guy that has to drive in that weather to get to his office to open the emergency operations center. Granted he isn’t a first responder… if he was I’d probably be heavily medicated and under the influence of who-knows-what. But that doesn’t mean his firefighter friends don’t ask him to come along with them on the engine, or call him to check out some massive apartment fire. God help me…

Anyway, I guess my point is… well, I don’t really have one. I forgot Stupid Anniversary, and I feel kind of horrible about it. I suppose that sums it up. It is a day that changed our lives dramatically, and really shouldn't be forgotten about.

But, Will, I love you. I’m lucky (most days) to have married you… twice. And I’d do it again and again and again…